This summer or maybe even sooner, I might be gone for an undetermined amount time. I've been getting suicidal for the past couple months, pretty much every day. I'm not sure if I'll have to make another trip up to the loony bin or just go for more counseling. However, counseling is my last resort. But the fuckin' counselor I have right now is a fuckin' major pessimist, in fact, she and my parents are the most fuckin' pessimistic people I know. Everything I do and I mean EVERYTHING, they see it as bad and tell me all this bad shit that's going to happen to me. I can handle listening to that, although, I prefer they'd shut up about it for once. What I can not handle is them telling me that my Salvia experience was entirely my fault. Everything that was a factor of my arrest and everything that came of it was of my choice and my fault and that I was responsible for my actions. Yeah, being told if I smoke a plant extract, I'll see cool colours and shit and that's it and it only will last 30 seconds at the most no matter how many times I take it, having absolutely no control over my thoughts, body movement and speech, the effects lasting for two weeks until I was put on an anti-psychotic... Yeah, I totally agree... everything that happened was MY OWN choices.
And they even think that, not in actual words, that I deserved it.
I have told them the truth, everything, word for word and when I try to explain to them, I get so pissed that I can't say exactly what I want or I get sidetracked into just sitting there and letting them tell me what I don't want to hear. I have pretty much everything taken away from me. I can't go to college, even if I could afford it. I can't get even a fuckin' minimum wage job. I have a girlfriend who has the mind of a 20 year old one minute, then an 8 year old the next. We broke up, but she is still obsessed with me and I her. I feel trapped with her because I know she isn't the right match for me, but I know damn well that I can't get anyone else. I wanted to take our relationship to the next level with her and makeout but my support workers keep telling me that they won't allow it when I'm with her and the only time I'm with her is when I'm with them. It's impossible to get alone with her! Although, it could have happened, but me being a dumbass, I wanted to take things slowly.
I just feel that everything has been taken away from my life and the things that I can get, slip away just like that and every time I have them in my grasp, I can't hold them for long. This will be the first time I have said this to anyone, but have told others different parts of my true story, but they didn't believe me. Anyways, I live a life of lies and all these flashbacks of things I've done are really getting to me.
I kinda want to breach my probation and go to jail for two years and possibly more and request to be put in PC, which is what will happen because of my disabilities or better yet, The Hole. Just so I can have some time to myself for two or more fucking years. All I have to do on my next probation meeting (May 26) is confess to something I've done and bam. I can't keep living a life of lies....
Discord: SnB_BWH
